For the women out there that are tired of meeting the same old undesirables that aren’t on the same page as you, this here may be of use to you..
For a while now, I’ve been so caught up on the idea of a relationship, so caught up that I’m still, yes, you guessed it, single like the 20million other people on eHarmony. I sometimes wonder why after so long, I’m still single and so many others are in relationships that aren’t necessarily deserving of them. Then it dawned on me, maybe I’m not their cup of tea, but then again, not everyone likes tea. I consider myself the perfect person for a relationship (debatable), minus some imperfections (we aren’t all perfect now), but the kind of people I seem to be attracting are all undesirable and not particularly to my taste.
The thought of a relationship feels like such a distant memory, a memory I wouldn’t mind rekindling sometime soon. However, with the calibre of men that I meet, it doesn’t seem like such a surprise why I’ve been single for the best part of a year now, with the thought of a relationship being just that, a memory.
At the tender age of 20, I feel that I have had enough experience (again debateable) to know exactly what I want. I’m not after any old raunchy relationship. I say raunchy, which really means a forced somewhat sleazy ‘relationship’. I’m after ‘Mr. Perfect’ (according to my friends) and that’s why they believe, I’m still at the drawing board. I’ve been in a few relationships and when I look back, I know they weren’t men I could see a future with, let alone my future. I’m at the stage where I feel in total control of my life and have a greater understanding of what I want for myself and my future.
‘Some people are settling down, some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies’ – Carrie Bradshaw
I have high standards, that, I am not willing to back down on. You get what you bargain for when you begin to settle for anything that shows just a smidgen’ of attention towards you. Mediocre just isn’t good enough in this day and age. I’m happy as a singleton, unless someone is willing to come along and top that by a considerable amount, then, there really isn’t any point in me going after it. After all, what are relationships about? – Surely, they’re something you get into because you have strong feelings for someone and want them to be apart of your world to make you extra happy. I would only get in a relationship if I’m 100% attracted to the person, plus we get on well and that he ticks all the boxes (figuratively speaking). I think too often people settle for second best or even someone they don’t have anything in common with, in any attempt of not being alone.
You’ve got to know your worth! (Very few do) but that’s something you should know before entering a relationship. If not, you will be on the receiving end of some rather unpleasant experiences that could have been avoided. There’s just some things I won’t stand for, call it what you want, I call it knowing my worth! Knowing what you will and won’t tolerate can have you dodging many heartbreaks or worse in the long-run. My idea of a relationship consists of a bond you share with someone, a bond that grows with time as you share your life together. I truly believe there should be more happy times than sad. Many ships have sailed with men I’ve been in relationships with because I wasn’t truly happy, if you haven’t gathered already, I’m pro-happiness and the simple thought of not being happy, worries me greatly. So, simply I haven’t stuck around. If I can be happy alone, then surely being with someone should be an added happiness in my life. If you’re forever sad and in doubt about your partner then it’s time you ask yourself – do I really know my worth? Or better yet, how much of this am I willing to put up with?
In your mind, you need to know what you will and won’t stand for. Obviously, be realistic here, if someone is seriously mistreating you, are you really going to stay?
Take a leaf out of Grace Saunders’ book – “Life’s too short to be with a bloke who treats you like a door-mat.” Although, it’s easier said than done, these are the things you should think about before entering (or in some cases, whilst in) a relationship. Self worth really is everything.
I see too many cases where people are in relationships just for the mere title. Others simply give the fact they’re sleeping with someone the title of being ‘in a relationship’. If you’re entitling your sexual relations with someone as being in a relationship then surely you want to be in one, wouldn’t it make sense to get into one? Surely, both people being clear that they’re in a relationship than just one person would be good.
Know what you want
Day one: be clear on what you want from your relationship. You both need to reach some sort of common ground on this otherwise it can end sooner than you may have hoped. If you want to get married in the future and the other person has absolutely no intention of ever getting married, there’s no point waiting around and then five years down the line wondering why on earth he hasn’t taken the hint from you singing ‘if he like it then he shoulda put a ring on it’ – I say, cut your losses now! There are plenty of people you are missing out on meeting, when you decide to settle for someone that doesn’t want the same thing(s) as you. Simply talking about what you want can allow for a smooth running relationship as possible. He knows what to offer and you know what to expect, the two go hand-in-hand, communicate!
Be clear, very clear! If your prince charming were to tap you on your shoulder tomorrow, would you know it was him? I’ve met my ‘Prince charming’ twice, dressed to the nines; both of them screamed Mr. Right from the moment I set eyes on them. If I’m honest, they ‘had me at hello’. Sometimes yes, it doesn’t take much, but a little knowledge of what it is exactly you are looking for goes a long way. Judging by the fact I’m still single, is a clear indicator that nothing went as planned with these two ‘Mr. Right’ guys. Whether you choose to take it further is entirely up to you, just be clear in your mind exactly what you want.
Girls, it’s like buying a pair of Christian Louboutins, forgive my stereotypical nature here, it’s going somewhere – You know in that instance whether you like it, and want to go ahead and try them on (in this case, get to know him a little better). It’s pretty much the same principle. Know your boundaries.
‘You expect too much’ – Yes, rightly so. Many men haven’t shied away from telling me this either. I take my relationships seriously, if I didn’t, I would be in one right now but I haven’t met anything that ticks even seven boxes on my ‘Guide to Mr right list’. Having expectations shouldn’t be deemed such a bad thing, it’s simply being wise and knowing what makes you happy! In the words of the late Malcolm X – ‘A man who stands for nothing, will fall for anything’ – I’ve never been one to just fall for anything, which explains this theory entirely – adapt as you see fit.
Relationships can be easy if you seek for compatibility in your partner to begin with. If later down the line you start to experience things that you don’t like, maybe you should have taken more time out to get to know your partner a little more. Relationships aren’t something you should jump head first into (I wish I could have told 18-year-old me this). Go on dates, spend time together, get to know each other! If he doesn’t do dates and you like to go on dates, see if you can compromise or find other alternatives but if that doesn’t make you happy then re-consider what you’re doing, are you wasting your time?
Essentially the bottom line to any relationship is happiness (this may differ for you), there should be more happy moments to talk about than sad. If you aren’t waking up at least three times a week itching to speak to your loved one, then is this relationship really for you, is it a matter of working this out or time for you to work it somewhere else?
You get what you bargain for in relationships when you begin to settle, and the bottom line is ‘don’t settle’.
I mean, maybe I am a hard nut to crack and some may say I should just live a little. I think I’ve done my living. Now, I deserve to live a little better than just a little, I’m thinking big (no innuendo intended).